


I'm finding I'm not her (the girl I thought I'd be)

by amako



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Kakashi is a mother hen pass it on, M/M, Multi, Sabotage Squad, Team as Family, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 05:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12523960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amako/pseuds/amako
Summary: Nine months later, to celebrate Sasuke's graduation from Explosions and Booby-traps Academy, she drags both him and Naruto to a lingerie store.





	I'm finding I'm not her (the girl I thought I'd be)

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from mouseymightymarvellous's AMAZING poem, "forgiveness for matryoshka dolls", that you can find on her tumblr!

Haruno Sakura is born in the early days of spring. She has hair the colour of cherry blossoms and the brightest smile you could wish on a baby's face. Her parents adore her and early on, she's spoiled rotten by every single member of her family. It could be the beginning of a beautiful tale, a happy story to tell children when they ask what a perfect life is. For a few years, it is.

One hot, tiring day of summer, Sakura comes home after a full day playing with the Yamanaka heir, and tells her parents that she wants to join the Academy. She smiles her bright smile and proudly explain how she's going to become the strongest shinobi in the world.

On the same day, Sakura also tells her parents that she is a girl.

 

Let's try again.

 

Haruno Nadamaru is born in the early days of spring. He has hair the colour of cherry blossoms and the brightest smile you could wish on a baby's face. Nadamaru is the Haruno's heir, destined to take the Clan Head mantle and keep their trading network in good shape. His mother is already eyeing his cousin Haeru as a potential bride.

One hot, tiring day of summer, Nadamaru comes home with a red ribbon in his pink hair and bright orange fingernails. He talks about his best friend Ino and all the fun they've had playing ninja. He tells them all about Yamanaka-san with his kind eyes and quick laugh and how bad Nadamaru wants to be like him when he grows up.

On the same day, Nadamaru tells them to call him Sakura, like his pretty hair, and asks for a qipao on his next birthday.

Hikari sends her son to his room with a shout and starts crying in her husband's arms. Nadamaru goes, tears streaming down his round face, and swears he'll show them how good a shinobi Haruno Sakura will be.

 

 

 

Sakura graduates a few weeks after her twelfth birthday. She comes home ecstatic, but already expecting the disappointment in her mother's eyes, and the complete disinterest on her father's face. She quickly makes herself a snack, before her mother can decide she'll punish her for her foolishness one more time, and disappears in her room. It still hurts, but it stopped bothering her a long time ago.

Her brand new qipao is waiting for her under the bed, where Sakura hid it this morning. Hikari can't force her to wear more _appropriate_ clothing, but she tries really hard to destroy every dress Sakura might buy for herself. Tomorrow is the big day, and she wants to be the prettiest girl in their promotion. Maybe one of the boys will notice her; surely, if she brings back a good husband, her mother will finally be convinced to let Sakura be herself?

She sighs and carefully braids her long hair, before going to bed. She knows she won't be able to sleep for a while, for how excited she is, but she needs to be well-rested if she wants to pass the test. She can't wait.

 

 

 

Tell me your likes and dislikes, asks the jōnin teacher, and Sakura is about to comply, when he adds the annoying bit about their dream. Sakura has a dream, but she learned a long time ago that it was best not to tell people. No one understood her dream, and her family kept scolding her every time she brought it up. Just like they did when she wore her hair up in a bun with glittering pins, or when she dressed up in her most elegant outfits.

So she bites her lips and waits until both Naruto and Sasuke are done. Then, in a gentle voice and with the greatest care, she crafts her words. She says that her dream is to be acknowledged for who she truly is, and stays quiet when Naruto side-hugs her. She knows how close her answer is to his, and she pretends not to notice her sensei squinting his only eye at her.

The test is a disaster. Sakura gets caught in a genjutsu almost as soon as it starts. She sees Sasuke, lying dead in a pool of blood, and she runs to his crumbled form. Only when she's kneeling next to him does he open his eyes and stares at her. Nadamaru, he whispers, Nadamaru, Nadamaru, Nadamaru—

 

"Hey, Sakura! Wake up! Kakashi-sensei put you in a genjutsu, but it's over now, don't worry."

 

Except it's never truly over now, is it, Naruto?

 

 

 

Sakura honestly didn't expect for her secret to hold this long. She's done her best to act true to herself, but sometimes she slips up because Hikari drilled habits into her as hard as she could, whenever Sakura was too tired to fight her mother. Oh, how relentless Hikari could be. And sometimes, that means that Sakura walks with a hunched back and a different sway in her walk. Sometimes, she forgets that she's supposed to trust her team and jokes in a deep voice about girly things and cooties, only to catch herself because she's the one who should be offended at her teammates for making the jokes, not telling them herself.

And yet her secret holds until a few days before the start of the chūnin exams. Everyone in the village heard about it, and so did her parents. When they realized there was no convincing their daughter to back down from her goal, they decided to invite Team 7 to a family dinner, hoping to embarrass Sakura. She won't let them.

After a particularly successful training session that ended with Kakashi almost praising them, Sakura grits her teeth and takes a leap of faith.

 

"Boys, can I talk to you before we go to Ichiraku?"

 

Sasuke grunts, looking annoyed, but stays in place. Naruto grins and sits cross-legged next to her, while she gestures for their sensei to join the lopsided circle they created.

 

"What is it about, Sakura-chan?" Kakashi asks, his orange book balanced on one of his knees. Sakura feels weirdly warm to think he cares enough not to read it when she needs to talk.

"You know my parents invited you to dinner, tonight. And you all promised to go."

Naruto beams. "Yeah, I can't wait to meet them! I'm sure they're really cool."

 

 _Cool._ Sakura feels like crying. If only.

 

"There is something you don't know about me, and my parents will definitely talk to you about it. I hope... I hope this won't ruin everything."

 

Sasuke is frowning and Kakashi has the same look than the day of the test. Naruto just wraps an arm around her shoulders in the half hug he seems to be fond of.

 

"You can tell us anything, we're your team!"

 

Sakura nods quickly, holding back the tears she can feel gathering in her eyes. And before she can change her mind, she rushes to grab her ID card in her pouch and throws it at Kakashi's face. Then she ducks her head under a fall of pink strands and waits for the inevitable. And waits. And waits some more.

 

"Uh."

 

Sakura chokes on her next breath as she quickly raises her head again. Kakashi is looking at the card with an eyebrow raised, before looking briefly at her, and going back to the card.

 

"Uh." He says again, then proceeds to shrugging exaggeratedly slow before handing the card to Sasuke. The Uchiha's eyebrows disappear into his hair and he stares at her, not moving when Naruto looks over his shoulder at the ID.

 

"Who's that, Sakura? Is it your brother?"

 

It's too much for her, the lack of reaction and Naruto's misunderstanding, and Sakura starts to sob. Deep, ugly sobs she tries to keep silent when she notices how uncomfortable Kakashi looks, but sobs nonetheless.

 

"Moron!" And Sasuke is punching Naruto, who starts to insult him before freezing when he hears Sakura's hitched breath. He glares back at the card, and a look of understanding settles on his face.

 

"So you're..."

"Naruto, for once in your life, shut up."

 

And suddenly, Sasuke is hugging her. Sakura is pretty sure her soul starts to shrivel and ultimately dies inside of her.

 

"I don't give a flying fuck what your parents decided to call you," he whispers against her ear, "but you're my teammate, Haruno _Sakura_ , and that means I'll stand by you tonight."

 

As quickly as he appeared, he releases her and settles again on the ground, on Naruto's left. When the Uzumaki looks at him funny, he blushes slightly and looks away.

 

"My cousin Shisui was... well, you know. Like you. He was like you."

 

And that settles it. Naruto still hugs her approximately five minutes too long and Kakashi offers to braid her hair, which is frankly terrifying and she does not feel the slightest inch of regret at refusing. When they arrive at the Haruno Estate, on the outskirts of Konoha, none of the boys bat an eye when Hikari asks her son to help them settle in. They call her Sakura and compliment her on her dress and later, much later, after Sakura's tears are dry and Kakashi has finished tying knots in their hair (which he keeps insisting on calling braids), they laugh about the angry look on Hikari's face when she understood she couldn't hurt her daughter that way anymore.

 

 

 

When Sasuke starts his apprenticeship in the Sabotage squad, where his fire jutsu and sharingan makes him an amazing student, Sakura starts to consider her options. Naruto is hinting at a trip with Jiraya, to learn both about his family and the Sannin's techniques. Sasuke is barely in Konoha anymore, spending most of his time in the Forest of Death. And she can't stay with her parents anymore.

Now that she made it clear her shinobi career is here to stay, on top of Konoha's administration giving her a new ID card with her true name on it, the Haruno want nothing to do with her. She's this close to being disowned, and she knows it. It means Sakura needs new living arrangements, possibly someone willing to give her their name. She doesn't mind being clanless, like Tenten, but having a name would definitely help her.

It's Kakashi who suggests she tries it with the Hokage. Tsunade has been here for a few years now, and as scary as she still appears, Sakura has seen her smashed more times than she's seen her sober. It helps a lot with the fear. So she goes to Tsunade, bows to her waist and asks to learn her legendary strength. If Sasuke is to be a sabotage expert, with Naruto's quick thinking and his love for traps, Sakura will need to be the blunt force of their team.

Tsunade laughs at her face and calls her a naive little girl. She tells her she'd be better as a medic, that she should stay at the back because she's not as strong as her teammates. That she should go back to her civilian family and think of marriage and bearing children.

Sakura punches a hole through the Hokage's desk and starts screaming. Tsunade lets her swear for thirty seconds before sending her flying through a wall with a flick of her finger. Then she marches out of the office, picks Sakura up, and goes to the nearest training ground.

Sakura grins a bloody smile. The Hokage read her file. She knows of Nadamaru's shadow, glued to Sakura's steps. And she still asked her if it wouldn't be better for her to go back to her clan and get pregnant. That's the whole three seconds it takes for Sakura to fall in love with the idea of becoming the new Tsunade.

Later in the day, when the Hokage is done printing Sakura patterns into the earth, Tsunade sits in the dirt next to her. She asks in tactless and ugly terms if Sakura wants something done about her body. She talks about surgery and procedures and hormones and medical ninjutsu. When she's done talking, Sakura is smiling through her tears, and Tsunade pats her on the head.

 

 

 

Nine months later, to celebrate Sasuke's graduation from Explosions and Booby-traps Academy, she drags both him and Naruto to a lingerie store.

They're seventeen, with a spring in their steps and the future laid down at their feet. Naruto is trying on a emerald bra with a dangling heart pendant in the center while Sasuke stares at a garter, probably trying to figure out if it's going to kill him in his sleep. Sakura looks at herself in the mirror of their proud eyes and she smiles the brightest smile she can conjure. She's beautiful.

She's beautiful and they tell her that, later, when they're all in the kitchen of their tiny apartment, stuffing their face with ramen. Naruto is leaving again in a few days, this time to the ruins of Uzushio. Except he asked them to come with him, and they both accepted. Sakura is eyeing the jōnin promotion Kakashi swears she has a shot at, but she won't take it just yet. She wants to enjoy the time she has with her teammates, while Naruto is still looking for himself in the shadows of a destroyed village.

They tell her she's beautiful when they lie down on the largest futon and Sasuke unties her chest bandages with his teeth. They tell her how proud they are of the woman she has become while Naruto nips at her hip.

In the morning, when they read over her shoulder the letter of repudiation from her clan, they will kiss her gently. Then Kakashi will rush inside with forms and applications, a few chosen words for the Haruno's decision, and an offer to take his name. And Sakura will smile.

 


End file.
